Many Seniors ‘Coming Out’ In Retirement
Many seniors are coming out of the closet late in life, which some experts say they have to deal with different issues, such as regrets for waiting so long.
According to the Associated Press, increased awareness and acceptance of varied sexualities and gender identities has led Americans to come out far younger, as early as middle school.
A less noticed but parallel shift is happening at the other end of the age spectrum, with people in their 60s, 70s and 80s coming to terms with the truth that they are gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.
While no one tracks the numbers of the elderly who come out, those who work with older adults say the trend is undeniable, and a resulting network of support groups and services has cropped up.
The decision can fracture lifelong relationships. Or it can bring the long-sought relief of an unloaded secret.
“For the first time in my life, I’m not putting on a show,” said Farthing, who eventually had sexual reassignment surgery and changed her first name to Chrissie. “It seems like I’ve been out on a cloud all my life and now I’m not. I’m me.”
Outing yourself late in life can be complicated after having lived through times when being openly gay could get you arrested, put in an institution and given shock treatments. It’s snarled in a lifetime of trudging along through society’s view of normalcy and the resulting fear of being ostracized by children and grandchildren. And it’s marked by a nagging doubt that all the heartache, all the potential for it to go wrong, may not be worth it with one’s years numbered.
“When somebody comes out at the age of 20, they have their whole life ahead of them,” said Karen Taylor, the director of training and advocacy for SAGE, a national group that works with LGBT seniors. “There’s a real sense of regret and loss for somebody who comes out later in life, even when talking to them and they say the decision was the right one.”
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As a gay man who only began my coming out journey at the age of 43, I can appreciate the emotional necessity of taking the step these seniors are taking as they reach retirement. The idea that you will never have shown the world who you are, the idea that your entire public persona has been a lie, eventually becomes too burdensome to carry. You have to step out from behind the facade and reveal the other you, the real you.
Graham Greene has a quote at the start of his novel, The Man Within — “There’s another man within me who’s angry with me.”
Great good fortune to these people and hope they receive some peace, they’ve certainly earned it.